Antabuse

This is my last attempt before asking for Antabuse.

I need a string of sober days. Badly. I’ve talked to my family and told them that this is my final attempt. If I can’t stay sober, then I’m ready for Antabuse.

Cant drink while I’m on that!

another Day one.

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Solid ground

9A09B8E2-12D1-4D7A-B49A-9DC2F27644E6There’s a comment that read “It’s easier to be grateful than it is to complain”.

When I have any significant amount of time sober, I find myself increasingly grateful and humble. Those two characteristics help tremendously with my over all happiness.

I have managed to find solid ground since my last binge. Solid ground meaning making amends and following through on my promises. There are still areas that will take time to heal. My responsibility at this point is to be the best person I can be.

The deer pictured above is one I spotted in our driveway on my way to a seminar last week. It doesn’t tie into my posting today, but it reminds me of how life is sober. All my pics have been on the property I live on (clearly, I’m not a professional photographer, nor do I have a state of the art camera). The pics serve as gentle reminders that life is much more than living drink to drink, hangover to blackout.

I don’t miss the chaos.

A final thought for this post. I noticed today that I’ve fallen a few times this year. Each time brief and managed to get back up. My sober days far outnumber my drinking days.

Something has shifted. I noticed that I have not had intense alcohol cravings when sober. I remember the days I would “white knuckle” minutes/hours/days. I would often times go to bed early to avoid temptation.

Each time I’ve stumbled this year, it’s because I forgot how bad then drinking life style was and I simple “chose” to drink. Noteworthy to self.

I’d be even more grateful if I didn’t have anymore slips 🙂

day 16.

 

Taking responsibility

Oh boy.

Made a list. Did my best to make amends. There was much to be sorry for. Apologies and explanations are what I can do for now. It’s what follows that will indicate the level of sincerity. The next weeks and months.

Last drink was Sunday. Today is Friday….day 5.

Goal is to return to where I was. Be kind. Be sincere. Be honest. Face things head on.

Been following other sober blogs. I find that I get a bit discouraged when some bloggers fall off the wagon and disappear.

It’s so hard to pick myself up, admit I was wrong and try again. I get it. I don’t fault anyone for how they handle their journey. I know first hand that it’s a road with many, many obstacles.

Frustrating. Insane.

I keep heading towards the light. I don’t consider that I’m starting over each time. It negates all that I learned from my last sobriety attempt. I like to think of it as I’m “that much closer” to the end of the tunnel.

 

Day one.

Went back and edited my last two posts. They were over the top dramatic. Funny, that’s not how I am when sober.

Yes. I am up and moving. I’m going to do my best at making it a good day. I have a choice. I choose to be thankful and attempt to have a productive today.

I should’ve seen myself slipping. It started several days ago. Binge eating garbage and stressed out. I didn’t deal with it and ended up drinking. I need to read blogs or blog myself when I see this happening. It could have been avoided.

I have a busy week and I need to be focused. I also have some damage control to be done. One task at a time.

I’ll do my best.

Wine in my mug

Yup. Wine in the coffee cup. Pondering how I slid back to this point. It’s 0743.

I have class today. It’s the last of three. I won’t make it. At this moment…I don’t care.

Such a weird sensation. Not feeling the pity committee. Not feeling sorry for myself. Not looking for sympathy. Just existing. Breathing.

I really screwed up.

being drunk is not helping any of this.

I’m tired.

My glass is simply empty today.

 

Day 40

13471703-BEAC-473E-9183-F236CC9626FE

40 days?! Wowsa. I didn’t realize it’s been that long. Just checked my sober counter. Cool.

Staghorn Sumac, my latest sober discovery. Thrives by roadsides and along the edges of the woodlands. Used to make Sumac red lemonade, a spice for middle eastern recipes and various medicinal uses as well. Perfect time of the year to harvest and process it.

With my newly founded google info and a couple of sunny days, I set out to search for some sumac. Who doesn’t like lemonade?!

I wasn’t just any gatherer! I felt like a crunchy granola eating, tree hugging mother earth worshipper each time I pulled over in my car to gather the clustered flowers. In hindsite, I probably looked like some cray cray,  peculiar middle aged man (47 is middle aged, eh?) gathering weeds while talking to himself.

Maybe I am.

Fortunately, I’m not single. Gathering sumac from public roadsides wouldn’t bode well on Match dot Com. Come to think for it, if I had to place an ad on a singles site, it would be quite entertaining.

I digress.

This plant grew at my previous place of residency. It grew wild and abundantly on the property. In my front yard. I barely noticed it. Something else to mow around. Maybe even mow over some of it if it became unruly. I probably hit it with my mower or stumbled into it several times while having a gin and tonic…or five. Or just shots of gin. Wine time wasn’t until much later in the day…like 4pm. Perfectly acceptable to get snookered during the day as long as it wasn’t on wine. That would have been socially unacceptable. Besides, I didn’t have the time or interest in knowing such trivial things in my drinking days.

Just another example of finding joy/happiness/interest in the world around me now that I’m no longer obsessed about alcohol. I’m not exaggerating when I write that alcohol occupied my mind every moment. Either recovering from the effects or prepping for the next drink. Insane. Sad. Lonely.

I’d rather be the smiling, waving, crazy hippy on the roadside gathering weeds whilst chatting to himself.

Lol. In hindsite, I must have looked quite odd.